Poonado!
A group of Canadian diver/photographers (see: pretentious douchey eco tourists) vacationing in the Carribean found themselves suddenly engulfed in what may the largest ever recorded Poonado. That's right; the Poonado is real.
The group was photographing and filming a giant sperm whale when the shitty cetacean appeared to be preparing for a dive. The musky mammal then held still for a moment at the top of the water, as if to draw the puny human swarm in closer. And then she shat. Not only releasing a literal shit ton of ass ham, but blasting butt butter into the ocean while spinning in circles and coating the divers faces, bodies, goggles and gear in a turbid torrent of turds: "The whale bobbed up and down, spun in circles, and waved the poo in every direction for several minutes while we just sat back and watched," the Telegraph quoted one of the divers saying of the literal shit storm they suddenly found themselves swimming in.
"After a few waves of feces were released and stirred vigorously by the whale, the water was like chocolate milk. I couldn't see my hand when I held it in front of my face. I had poop in my eyes, mouth, wetsuit, everywhere and I was soaked in it from head to toe. But, after leaving the cloud, it quickly washed away, and didn't leave a smell on us. I did take an extra long shower once I had returned to shore later that day, just in case. I've never heard of it happening before, and I don't know anyone that has had this happen, it very well could be the first time that it has been photographically documented."
But don't let the lack of documentation fool ya. Just because we aint seen it yet don't mean these schoolbus sized turd hurlers aren't shitting all over the ocean. Sperm whales are kind of hard to observe, says some guy in an interview I'll just plagarize from Vice.com:
"Because they spend so much time a mile beneath the surface, we don't know about lots of aspects of their lives. We don't know how they mate, where they travel, how they get there, or when they go there. We don't know how they communicate with one another. We don't know how they manage to capture that many squid, and whether there's a particular hunting technique they use."
Although studying sperm whales is very difficult, we do know that their massive mud monkeys are a boon to the oceanic environment. Like mana from assholes, a whale sized colon cannonball:
"acts like a giant environmental regulation system. Full of iron and other vital nutrients, concentrated at up to 10,000,000 times their natural occurrence in seawater, when released these turds become the basis for booms in plankton. These critters in turn pull hundreds of thousands of pounds of carbon out of the air each year through photosynthesis, then fuel booms in fish populations as a food source. So the lack of the natural environmental engineering power of whale poop, thanks to whaling's decimation of the species, may be one major causes of oceanic depopulation," said a guy on some website.
I couldn't find the actual video of the worlds first documented Poonado, and I doubt it's posted anywhere on the interwebs. I do suspect we'll be seeing it on some National Geographic movie and making the rounds on your favorite social media soon enough. Just remember, you heard it first from The Science Curmudgeon! Now enjoy this interview with one of the divers:
Crazy whale facts and evolution stuff:
Whales are fuckin cool man! They used to walk around on land and shit, check this out:
They used to be all hairy and stuff! Related to freakin' Hippos! And look at this! Here's one eating a freakin' dog lookin thing! Crazy, right!?
It's actually pretty easy to believe they're related to hippos. Check how this fucker swims! Hippos are fuckin dangerous yo:
So yeah, whales are cool, poo is good and the Poonado is a real thing. All is right in the world. Carry on.
May you be touched by His noodly appendage.
